Britney's New Pals

Zombie Kate would be dying of boredom if she weren't already undead. She tries to entertain herself by throwing water balloons at Suri...


...and learning to roller blade. "Oh, If I only had a brain!", she laments. (or maybe she's just hungry?)


After practicing all night, she invites Britney over. Kate thinks that by teaching Brit to skate, she can keep her off the road.



Tom is never far away, and today is no exception. He's thinking that Britney might be a good candidate for conversion, so he decides to join the skating party.



Whoops! Tom and Brit take a spill. "I'm never this clumsy," cries Britney. "I usually only fall down when I'm carrying one of my babies!"



"Oh yeah... babies...I wonder who's taking care of them, y'all!"

Newsflash: Britney Loses Custody of Kids

But you saw it here first, last July. Can we call 'em or what?

Tyra Hits Pay Dirt!

We rejoin our pal Britney, out on the town for a night of drinking...


...trying to remember her name...




...and making friends.




Tyra has an idea that she wants to propose to Britney...




...and to K-Fed...



...and to Lindsay...




...and Paris...



...and Tom.




"My new show will be called "America's Next Top Role Model"!

Blonde Ambition - You Saw It Here First!

Rita Cosby's Larry and Howard sighting is not news here at AIC. You might remember this post about Howard's baby bump!

Anna is on to them, and Larry's poodle voices her objection as well. Anna had started to suspect something when Larry GOT the poodle.



Howard makes a move...




...but Larry warns him that someone might be watching.



"Why, oh why, didn't we buy window treatments?"

Saving Lindsey

The ghost of Anna Nicole Smith decides to pay a visit to the troubled Ms. Lohan. "Like my body? It's decomposing. I don't think you want to wind up like me."


Sister Immaculata calls an intervention, with Rosie O'Donald Trump, Tyra Banks, Paris, Britney and Tom Cruise all on board.



While waiting for Lindsey to arrive, Britney engages Tom in a lively do-si-do. You just never know what that girl will do!



Lindsey is a bit taken aback by all the attention.




But she decides to take some notes anyway. Tyra advises her that if she can just stop drinking she might "still be in the running to be America's Next Top Model." She adds that she has NEVER had to yell at a girl this way before.



"Thanks Tyra. I'm feeling easier and breezier already."



Anna gives her a few tips, suggesting Trim Spa instead of nose candy to keep her weight down.



Finally, Britney adds her two cents while complimenting Lindsey on an "awesome manicure".



They bond, as only dysfunctional starlets can. Better start cleaning out Paris' jail cell!

Paris Post-Lockup

To celebrate her release from jail, Paris invites Sister Immaculata, Lindsey and Britney over for a hookah party!



Tyra stops by to see what Paris is up to. Things aren't looking too promising.



"Hmmm... maybe if I have her move in with me I can straighten her booty out. It would further my image as a selfless humanitarian! Plus, it would make a really good "Tyra" show."



Paris' mom calls to tell her that they've sold her house while she was away.



"Oh no...now I have no choice but to move in with Tyra!"

Nunsense!

I know, I know... we are SO sick of hearing about Paris Hilton! But you can read TMZ.com, CNN.comor even Perez Hilton and not get the inside look into Paris' prison life that you'll get here.


Paris' parents send Sister Immaculata to counsel their distraught but stylish daughter.



Sister begins by telling Paris how she and the other nuns keep themselves occupied. She has a bit of experience in an all-girl environment.



"We have pillow fights to pass the time," Sister informs her.




"And this is how you make friends with the other inmates."



"Don't worry, you can record the whole thing and post it on YouTube!"




Sister offers to make Paris' prison diet staple, the baloney sandwich. Paris reads the copy of "Papillon" that she found under her bed.



Finally, she's able to get to sleep. She wonders if anyone has remembered to feed Tinkerbell...



...and then dreams of her one true love.

Paris and Her Sidekick

No, not her spiffy little PDA! Paris learns that her cellmate will be none other than her pal Lindsey, recently picked up on a DUI. Lindsey attempted to look respectable at the arraignment, but she wasn't fooling anyone.


The girls now get to do everything together.



Paris is required to do a bootcamp-style workout as a part of her rehabilitation. "At least the outfit is hot," she murmurs.



But to add insult to injury, the court has ordered Tom Cruise to drop by daily for a healing round of "Entheta Clearing". Paris is a little nervous.


As well she should be. This baby doesn't mess around!


Back at the Cruise mansion, Katie tells Suri that if Tom is occupied with the brainwashing of Paris and Lindsey they might be able to make their break. Suri points out that given the lack of collective brains, he may not be gone very long.

Paris Goes to the Pokey

Paris, having failed to get enough signatures on her petition to the Governor to commute her sentence, tells Lindsey she just doesn't know how she's going to survive in jail.



Lindsey has only a hug to offer, but asks Paris to make copious notes so she can refer to them in the future.


Paris decides to make the best of a bad situation, and changes into her finest Chanel dress, shoes and purse. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of "blending in".


Britney, still sporting the gorilla head to hide her cueball look, and Sister Immaculata give Paris a sendoff. "And you thought it was bad around here?" snarls Sister.


"I'm hoping my experience on 'The Simple Life' will help me out.", she muses.