You Heard It Here FIRST

Here in Cyberia, we predicted the Britney and Paris connection WAY before they showed up on Page Six.

Since then, Brit has gone back to being a blonde, Paris has added extensions, and they continue to enjoy liquid breakfasts, lunches and dinners together.

Celebrity Flying Babies

The arrival of LiLo added to the wedding festivities. Drunk out of her mind when she pulled up, Lindsey thought a good pillow fight with the bride was in order.


"Oh oops! Sorry about that. Wow, your boobs look great!" she sputters. K-Fed wonders if he's got spinach in his teeth, because LiLo hasn't taken notice of his manhood.


Suri stops the zombie in the wedding dress. "Are you my mommy?", she asks. Katie thinks for a minute... "Er, um...I'll check with Master Tom, but I think so."


"I learned this from Michael Jackson! Don't worry about the balcony...it's only a 20 foot drop."

TomKat's "Wedding"

Although Tom and Katie staged a Cyberian wedding a few weeks back (just to appease her parents), Tom has insisted that they have a Scientology wedding to make things appear legit. Katie chooses the perfect zombie wedding gown.


Sage Munster, who met an untimely end when he was eaten by a plant, has come back to warn Tom not to continue this charade. "We all know the truth, Tom! This "family man" act has got to stop! Neither of you are promoting a film!"


Tyra, in a rare moment of sanity, tries to convince Katie that going through with this marriage is a mistake. "Just ask Britney! Take the kid and run! Brit! Help me out here!"


Katie is convinced that she can juggle a career, motherhood and being a beard for Tom all at once. She's not worried.


Tom tells Britney to mind her own business. Where's Travolta when you need him?


Britney and a naked Tonya decide to leave Katie to her own devices. "Tyra was right," they think. K-Fed checks them both out while Katie stares blankly into space.


"Kate...everything is going to be wonderful! Just do everything I say and you'll be happy. Seriously. And the best part is, you'll never have to sleep with me."


The couple seal their Scientific vows with a fake kiss, failing to notice that LiLo just pulled up in her Herbie the Love Bug vehicle. Where LiLo goes, trouble follows...

K-Fed Skates on Thin Ice

Having been kicked to the curb by Britney, K-Fed decides to move in with Tom and Katie (just to piss Britney off, since she had suspected Katie of calling Social Services and having her kids taken away). He assures them it's just temporary, until he can find another mega-star to impregnate.


Tom suggests LiLo. K-Fed is tempted, because that would *really* make Britney mad, but reconsiders.


"Nah... I'm not that much of a rat. Anyway, I need a woman who is more like me...who understands how I think. Who is into professional wrestling."


Tom makes a few calls, and after a dip in the hot tub K-Fed is introduced to none other than Tonya Harding. Former professional ice skater turned criminal turned pro wrestler.


K-Fed tries to wow Tonya with a graphic description of his er, fine qualitites.


Tonya is disgusted and tells him to keep it in his pants.


"Maybe a drink will loosen this chick up," he thinks.


Tom (still trying to squeeze into his Risky Business tighty-whities) and Katie (just back from an intense "clearing" at the Church) join them in a toast.


After K-Fed tries to paw her, Tonya lets him have it. "Look, buddy. Try that again and I'll have you knee-capped."


"Will I ever meet a woman who is truly worthy of me?" he muses. "I wonder what Anna Nicole is doing tonight..."

Britney Cleans House!

If you want to know what really happened between Britney and K-Fed, look no further.

Sister Immaculata came over for a dip in the hot tub, and K-Fed decided to show her a few dance moves. "This is why Britney couldn't resist me", he purred. He couldn't help but notice what a rockin' bod the nun been hiding under her habit.


Britney would have none of that!


"You think I can't put two and two together??" she asked.


Then she took him down.


...and kicked him out.


After the dust settled, she invited a few guys over to stroke her ego. When she tried to stroke LiLo's hubby, Dave, however...he said "Thanks, but no thanks." He's no dummy.


Dejected, she called Paris. "Let's go out for a beer! You're not going to believe what happened today. I just need to get out of these clothes."


As they waited for a taxi. Paris pretended to be surprised that K-Fed would hit on another woman. "Oh, he wasn't such a great catch anyway. He was always singing those stupid songs. Po-po-ZOW! Ugh! Enjoy the peace and quiet."


"Did I mention it was your roommate? ... The NUN?" For once, Paris was truly speechless.

Suri Surprise!!

Katie is struggling with her new role as zombie-mommy. Suri "relaxes" on the kitchen floor while Kate knocks back her twelfth Jager of the day.


Having sent Kate to sleep it off, Tom throws a birthday party for his little girl. On hand are a few of the couples closest friends: Britney, wearing a clean thong for the occasion. LiLo, who thought a "birthday suit" was the appropriate outfit; Deni Bonet, who isn't quite sure how she wound up on the guest list, and Tyra, who hasn't changed her clothes since Halloween.



But what's this?? When Tom ordered this baby, he CLEARLY said he needed it to be a girl! Since they never actually changed her diaper, Tom and Katie failed to notice that the baby dropped on their front lawn was a BOY! Tom is not sure what to do.


Suri, unaware of his gender-identity issue, splashes himself with toilet water.


Tom hooks himself up to the e-Meter. "L. Ron... help me! Vanity Fair ran a whole article about our baby GIRL! My credibility is at stake!"


A local Scientology soldier arrives and uses a clearing device in an attempt to rectify the situation and save Tom's reputation. Katie remains passed out, and the nanny mops the bathroom floor. "I need a Xanax," she mutters.